Feeling back to normal… just in time to get anxious again

Throughout our TTC journey I didn’t really stop to think of the consequences the treatments had on me or my relationships. We have a goal in mind and I am willing to do just about anything to make our dreams a reality.

Over the course of treatments I gave up sports, my workout classes, reorganized my life to be home in time for needles and got really good and dodging questions about why I was coming in late to work so often. It didn’t really cross my mind that any of these things would have such an affect on me.

It didn’t hit me until I was sitting in my naturopath’s office one day and she was asking me questions about taking care of myself and my relationships. Throughout that session I realized that in the past 10 months my life had changed so much and consequently lead me to feeling ‘lost’.

Prior to fertility treatments I played sports 3 – 4 times a week and many of my friendships revolved around those teams, without that I lost my physical, social, and sometimes emotional outlets. Many of the activities my husband and I enjoy doing together were sports or active things that again I put on the backburner. It wasn’t just the loss of participating in these activities it felt like it was a loss of my identity. Another part of my identity was shaken though this process as well. I considered myself resilient but this process quickly showed me how truly vulnerable I am. I never would have thought about it in the sense of ‘losing myself’ but it made so much sense when we talked it out. I just thought I was in a slump because of all of the treatments we were doing (and failing at).

*I just want to be clear – I would be more than willing to do all those things again – it wasn’t about “giving up” things it was more about the way I saw myself, my value, how I connected with others, how I identified myself and the effect of those things.

We made a plan to move forward and all was going well until I got pregnant. Then I threw that out the window thinking “who cares, I don’t need this I’m the happiest girl in the world.” But then the miscarriage happened and things spiraled down from there.

In the weeks following my miscarriage I didn’t think I would ever feel ‘normal’ again. I thought I would walk around with a huge gaping hole in my heart for everyone to see. I thought laughter would be hard to find and being involved in things I loved would never return. However, to my surprise as the weeks went by it became a bit easier to breathe, laughter was again part of my life and enjoyment in activities slowly started to return. The miscarriage is still never far from my mind and something I think about multiple times a day. Tears still come and my throat still constricts if I think about it or have to talk about it for too long but overall I would say I’ve made some huge steps in healing the past couple of months.

I started back at the gym and have been working with a coach doing a meal and fitness plan. I’ve lost some weight but the important factor for me is that I feel so much better – I have more energy, my clothes fit better, I’m sleeping better and overall have a sense of accomplishment. I’m playing team sports again and have met a great group of ladies in my neighbourhood that get together for runs and workouts. I was finally starting to feel like ‘me’ again.

But here comes the scary (and exciting) part… my next cycle will start any day now. We have been given the clear to start our frozen embryo transfer this cycle. It’s our last one as we only have 1 little guy/girl left (frozen at day 3, 10 cell grade 4a). Although this is what I have been waiting for (to get the process started and focused again) I’m also very scared. I’m scared to go back to the clinic as it now represents such a negative place to me. I’m scared to see the ultrasound tech who was the first to learn we lost our baby. I’m scared to put all my hopes and dreams into something only to be potentially crushed again. I’m scared of bad news and how I will handle it.

Any tips out there to handle starting again after a break and/or a loss?

Friends & Family

I won the lottery… the friend lottery that is. I’m really not sure how I got so lucky in this department. I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I got to marry my best friend who is everything you could wish for – he listens, calms my crazies, laughs uncontrollably with (and at!) me, is encouraging, gives unwavering support and so much more. I am truly blessed.

As mentioned we haven’t shared our story with many people. Even some of our closest friends don’t know. Why? I’m not sure, it’s a question I often ask myself. I think there are tons of reasons. Overall I didn’t think our stork would be lost for so long. I thought we’d give him a clear map and we would be done with this. Nice and tidy and over before any real hurt began. Haha life, you got us this time.

There are a myriad of other reason as well – anger, hurt, shame, feeling like a failure, awkward conversations, pride and resentfulness just to name a few. I’m an introvert and have a difficult time talking about my feelings or problems. Overall it’s a difficult conversation to have with anyone, even those closest to us. Often this is just easier:

The handful of people we have shared with have been absolutely incredible. Offering words of encouragement, sharing stories, giving a hug when needed or just being there to listen. Without these friends and family I don’t know what I would have done. The hours of discussions, the sharing of tears and joys, lunch or distraction outings and emails have meant the world to me. I would have been lost without those. I don’t know how to ever thank everyone enough. I hope I can be as good of a friend to them as they are to me.

To my friends and family that are reading this for the first time and learning about our journey, I’m really sorry we didn’t share earlier. Part of it is embarrassment and part was I just didn’t know how to bring it up. One of the biggest reasons is that I just want to keep a sense of normalcy in my life. When everything else was crazy and felt like it was upside down, I just wanted to go out for coffee and not worry about breaking into tears in the middle of the coffee shop. I just wanted to hear the latest gossip, bitch about work, and hear all about your family without wondering if you are holding back because you don’t want to make me upset. It was selfish and I’m sorry I didn’t share earlier… I hope you can forgive me for that.

Our journey so far

Early on in our relationship my husband and I talked about our hopes and dreams for the future and children were always a part of that conversation. We married in September of 2012 and started our TTC (trying to conceive) journey from that point on. After a year of trying with no success we sought out the advice and guidance of a fertility specialist.

After a myriad of tests our doctor recommended that we do IVF. Hearing those words were scary and overwhelming but also gave me an immense sense of hope. From the beginning I thought that this process would be the end game to our hopes and dreams.

In February of 2014 we did our first (and only) IUI. We didn’t enter this process with much hope as our doctor let us know our odds weren’t great. We decided to go ahead with it anyway for a couple of reasons – you just never know what could happen and it was a good opportunity for the doctor to see how my body would respond to the fertility drugs. Self-administering the drugs was one of my biggest challenges. I’m not a fan of needles by any stretch of the imagination… I could easily say I have a pretty big fear of them. Sweaty palms, feeling light headed, and very jittery were typical symptoms for me knowing I had to get a needle. The last time I gave blood I actually passed out. So here I was faced with the fact that I was going to not just get a needle but give it to myself! I remember talking to a friend about it and being on the verge of tears, I just really didn’t know how I was going to get it done. Now, over 100 needles later I can look back on that day with some humour. My fear of needles is far from gone but I am much better!

Unfortunately the IUI didn’t work.

No problem we say, on to the IVF. The time commitments for appointments, arranging my schedule to ensure I was home in time to give myself 3 different needles a day and the emotional roller-coaster was more demanding than I imagined. I still thought, “no problem!”, needles – bring them at me, rescheduling – a breeze, giving up sports – why not, side of effects of drugs – I can handle it all. But then the IVF didn’t work. We were incredibly sad and disappointed. I knew deep down that there was always a chance that it wouldn’t work but I believed it would, everything with the process until that point went so well so I convinced myself this would to.

After the attempt failed, we took a small break from treatments. I really needed to get over the sadness and by that point anger.  I was angry at myself, at the clinic, and at the process. It was a huge reality shocker that took me a little bit to come to terms with.

In May 2014 we transferred 2 frozen embryos and the long 2 week wait commenced. I made it until 12 days past my transfer date to take a home pregnancy test. The test came back positive!!! I could hardly believe it. The immense sense of happiness and awe was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was a long wait for my husband to get home! In those 5 hours I don’t think I could stay still for more than 5 minutes. 2 days later my blood work confirmed what that little pee stick said – we were having a baby!! We were overwhelmed with joy! My thoughts never drifted far from the baby and it took all my effort not to run up and down the streets announcing our news. It was the happiest time of my life.

When I was 6 weeks I noticed the tiniest bit of spotting. I called the clinic right away and they had us come in for an early ultrasound. That morning felt like the longest wait. Our fears were quickly erased when the ultrasound technician turned the screen so we could see the tiny heartbeat. We were told everything looked great and the baby was progressing exactly how it should. We shared tears of relief and happiness that morning.

At week 7 we went in for our regularly scheduled ultrasound. This day turned out to be what felt like the worst day of my life. The ultrasound was taking a bit longer than normal and the technician was asking a lot of questions. When she went to get another technician to come in my stomach dropped. My husband looked at me and said “I don’t have a good feeling about this.” I tried to stay positive and hope for the best. After the ultrasound we were ushered into one of the meeting/exam rooms. The doctor came in and broke the news to us. The baby had stopped growing almost a week earlier and they couldn’t find a heartbeat.  I had a ‘missed miscarriage’. We were devastated. The news was just too much to accept. We didn’t know what to do with the options he presented us so we went home in what felt like a blur. We just sat on the couch and cried for most of the day and night. I’ll share more of my experience with the miscarriage in a future post.

The devastation and heartbreak is far from gone. I don’t go more than 10 minutes without thinking about it. The tears have slowed but are never far from the surface. Some days I feel like I can’t go on with this journey because I can’t handle another heartbreak and other days I am hopeful that our story will have a happy ending. For now, we are just taking it one day at a time while we figure out our next step.