2 Years

2 years ago it was a beautiful Monday morning. My husband and I woke up with sorrow but also lots of joy in our hearts. You see,  June 23 is my late mother-in-laws birthday. She was an incredible Mother and is missed, every day but even more so on special occasions.

As we laid in bed we were reflecting on the day. Although our hearts were heavy we were also very much looking forward to the day. We had our 2^nd ultrasound appointment later that morning. As we got ready for work I really felt that my mother-in-law would be there with us that day sharing in our joy of seeing our little peanut’s heartbeat again.

Off we went to work and then met at the clinic later that morning. Soon after arriving we were ushered into the ultrasound room. That’s when the day started spiraling out of control. The full story here – Our journey so far

Coles notes version: 20 minutes later our worst nightmare was confirmed. The doctor walked into our room and told us that they couldn’t find a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing.  Honestly parts of that day are still crystal clear and parts are very fuzzy – my heart just couldn’t comprehend what was going on.

2 years later and some of the pain feels like it happened yesterday. I’m left wondering if the pain will ever go away… will it ever stop feeling like I’ve been physically stabbed in the heart and kicked in the stomach? Will I ever been able to think of what could have been for more than 8 seconds without tearing up and feeling my throat start to close? Will I ever be whole again? Is there something wrong with me… should I not be “better” (at least more than I am) by this point? Am I just way weaker than I ever imagined? I’m haunted not only by our loss but by these thoughts as well.

Sorry for such a sad post today… just needed somewhere to share.

Starting Again

A couple weeks ago my beta finally dropped to zero. It was weird to wish my beta down but when dealing with a loss I just wanted it to be over… at least physically because emotionally I know it will never completely leave.

So we are back at square one. Plans for the upcoming IVF cycle haven’t changed since the loss other than being put back a couple of months. We are set to do an IVF cycle with my next cycle day 1 (most likely end of the month).

I can’t remember the exact protocol but for the first time ever we are doing a short protocol so no birth control pills for this girl. I am happy about that part.

I have to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about this upcoming cycle. My husband asked me if I was ready for it this past weekend and I really didn’t know how to respond. Am I ready? Well, I guess I’m ready as I’m ever going to be. I don’t want to put it off, I need to keep moving forward and doing something/trying something to continue to heal. I know some need to stop and take a breath but that usually doesn’t work for me.  I’m trying to get as prepared as I can in the next few weeks – lots of running, hockey, yoga and digging gardens, since those activities are going to be off limits for a month. Those all help mentally/emotionally so I figure it’s a 2 for 1 deal!

Also we are still actively pursuing adoption options as well. And by actively pursuing I mean checking my email constantly for emails from the agencies. Not much we can do on that front but wait. And oh the waiting is long! We did go to an ARE (Adoption Resource Exchange) a couple weeks ago. I will write more about that in a future post as it was an experience.

Long overdue update & mending a broken heart

It seems I’m still an very inconsistent blogger. I go on a least weekly to get caught up on other’s news but seem to have trouble putting my own words down… So where to begin…

Adoption News – we are officially approved to adopt in our Province. Yay!! The process was felt long but in reality was only about 6 months. Our profile book actually took us the most time. It was a process selecting pictures, organizing the book and trying to express our emotions and deepest desires through some words and pictures on paper. I’ll write more about that later (I hope!). We have officially registered through a private agency and also through Children’s Aid. Now we wait…

Infertility News – in February I had a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy done. Both procedures were at the same time. I’ve never been put completely out for any surgeries before so was incredibly nervous going in. All went ok. They removed some endometriosis (stage 2) and a few small fibroids from my uterus. The healing was actually not bad… back on my feet in a couple of days and back to regular routine within 2 weeks.

We planned on doing 1 more (our last… at least I think) IVF cycle in April. We set out a plan with our RE and everything was lined up to go, well that is until I didn’t get my period this cycle.  Thinking that was really weird I broke down and bought a HPT and much to my shock it came back positive! I really couldn’t believe it. I called our clinic that morning to go in for blood work. I kept thinking, how can this be possible. Us a ‘natural’ pregnancy after we have been told there is basically no chance of it happening naturally for us. I waited on pins and needles for the clinic to call with the results. The nurse called and said congratulations your beta shows you’re pregnant. I was in disbelief, until she told me my beta was only 46.8. My heart sank. I knew that wasn’t where it should be. We made an appointment to go back to do another in 48 hours.   That 48 hours was so long. I went from being over the moon and convinced that finally our miracle happened and telling myself that the universe wouldn’t be so cruel to take another one away from me… surely not after a miracle… To just in my heart knowing something wasn’t right.   My fears were confirmed on Saturday. I woke up to some spotting, I knew it wasn’t right. I went in to the clinic and just dissolved into tears with the girl that takes blood. She cried with me and gave me a huge hug. I just came home and lied in bed and cried. Later that day the clinic called to let me know that yes my beta was dropping and I was miscarrying. Heart officially broken. My husband and I just lied together and cried. How could this be happening to us? Why was it happening? Why is the world so cruel to give us a miracle and then rip it away from us? What did I do to deserve this?

I’m not sure where to go from here. The nurse wasn’t sure if I could start the IVF cycle next month or not. I have to go back to the clinic in a week. Right now I’m just trying to pick up the pieces.

The would/should have been due date

Yesterday was my would have been (or in my mind should have been) due date. It was a day I feared. After my miscarriage in June it was a date I obsessed about. I was worried about how I was going to feel – would I be able to get out of bed, would I be a cranky jerk all day, would I ever be able to stop the tears from flowing, how was I going to get through the day?

To my surprise, the day past with less emotional turmoil than I had anticipated. Don’t get me wrong – I thought about it almost constantly. I managed to get through 1/2 a day at work, a short yoga class and a naturopath/acupuncture appointment. Some tears were shed (ok maybe a few times) but overall I feel like I managed the day way better than I was anticipating.

It is almost as if it has sunk in more today. I have been doing chores around the house all day because if I sit still for more than a few minutes my mind just spins with the “I should be in the hospital delivering our baby right now”. That leads to tears and feeling like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Today is my dad’s 60th birthday so we are all getting together for that tonight – I’m hoping that will keep my mind occupied for the rest of today.

I feel like I have been a very bad blogger lately. I haven’t been posting much lately, I think for many reasons. I haven’t had too many updates, the holidays were really hard this year and I didn’t want to be a downer, and it’s just been a bit tough starting to think about our next cycle. I have been keeping up with reading other’s posts – I’m so happy for many of you that have exciting things happening. For others who are still struggle – I’m thinking of you and wishing you nothing but peace and finding your happiness soon.

So here are a few updates about where we are:

• I started seeing a new naturopath who I really like. I’m taking some more supplements which have really increased my energy
• I started doing acupuncture – I only go every 2 weeks right now but will increase with my next IVF cycle. It’s not as bad as I anticipated. I learned the hard way that I can’t look at the needles but other than that it’s good!
• I’m still working out and going to the gym but not as faithful as a few months ago
• I started doing lunch time yoga and I really like it. The classes are short but it’s a really go break in the middle of the day.
• We are starting a fresh IVF cycle in about a week’s time. We have to go on Wednesday to sigh all the forms again and then waiting for CD1 later in the week.

I’m really looking forward to getting the next cycle started but also a bit anxious/nervous.

I think that is all for now. Really will try to be more consistent with my posts going forward!

Feeling back to normal… just in time to get anxious again

Throughout our TTC journey I didn’t really stop to think of the consequences the treatments had on me or my relationships. We have a goal in mind and I am willing to do just about anything to make our dreams a reality.

Over the course of treatments I gave up sports, my workout classes, reorganized my life to be home in time for needles and got really good and dodging questions about why I was coming in late to work so often. It didn’t really cross my mind that any of these things would have such an affect on me.

It didn’t hit me until I was sitting in my naturopath’s office one day and she was asking me questions about taking care of myself and my relationships. Throughout that session I realized that in the past 10 months my life had changed so much and consequently lead me to feeling ‘lost’.

Prior to fertility treatments I played sports 3 – 4 times a week and many of my friendships revolved around those teams, without that I lost my physical, social, and sometimes emotional outlets. Many of the activities my husband and I enjoy doing together were sports or active things that again I put on the backburner. It wasn’t just the loss of participating in these activities it felt like it was a loss of my identity. Another part of my identity was shaken though this process as well. I considered myself resilient but this process quickly showed me how truly vulnerable I am. I never would have thought about it in the sense of ‘losing myself’ but it made so much sense when we talked it out. I just thought I was in a slump because of all of the treatments we were doing (and failing at).

*I just want to be clear – I would be more than willing to do all those things again – it wasn’t about “giving up” things it was more about the way I saw myself, my value, how I connected with others, how I identified myself and the effect of those things.

We made a plan to move forward and all was going well until I got pregnant. Then I threw that out the window thinking “who cares, I don’t need this I’m the happiest girl in the world.” But then the miscarriage happened and things spiraled down from there.

In the weeks following my miscarriage I didn’t think I would ever feel ‘normal’ again. I thought I would walk around with a huge gaping hole in my heart for everyone to see. I thought laughter would be hard to find and being involved in things I loved would never return. However, to my surprise as the weeks went by it became a bit easier to breathe, laughter was again part of my life and enjoyment in activities slowly started to return. The miscarriage is still never far from my mind and something I think about multiple times a day. Tears still come and my throat still constricts if I think about it or have to talk about it for too long but overall I would say I’ve made some huge steps in healing the past couple of months.

I started back at the gym and have been working with a coach doing a meal and fitness plan. I’ve lost some weight but the important factor for me is that I feel so much better – I have more energy, my clothes fit better, I’m sleeping better and overall have a sense of accomplishment. I’m playing team sports again and have met a great group of ladies in my neighbourhood that get together for runs and workouts. I was finally starting to feel like ‘me’ again.

But here comes the scary (and exciting) part… my next cycle will start any day now. We have been given the clear to start our frozen embryo transfer this cycle. It’s our last one as we only have 1 little guy/girl left (frozen at day 3, 10 cell grade 4a). Although this is what I have been waiting for (to get the process started and focused again) I’m also very scared. I’m scared to go back to the clinic as it now represents such a negative place to me. I’m scared to see the ultrasound tech who was the first to learn we lost our baby. I’m scared to put all my hopes and dreams into something only to be potentially crushed again. I’m scared of bad news and how I will handle it.

Any tips out there to handle starting again after a break and/or a loss?

Friends & Family

I won the lottery… the friend lottery that is. I’m really not sure how I got so lucky in this department. I have some of the most amazing friends and family a girl could ever ask for. I got to marry my best friend who is everything you could wish for – he listens, calms my crazies, laughs uncontrollably with (and at!) me, is encouraging, gives unwavering support and so much more. I am truly blessed.

As mentioned we haven’t shared our story with many people. Even some of our closest friends don’t know. Why? I’m not sure, it’s a question I often ask myself. I think there are tons of reasons. Overall I didn’t think our stork would be lost for so long. I thought we’d give him a clear map and we would be done with this. Nice and tidy and over before any real hurt began. Haha life, you got us this time.

There are a myriad of other reason as well – anger, hurt, shame, feeling like a failure, awkward conversations, pride and resentfulness just to name a few. I’m an introvert and have a difficult time talking about my feelings or problems. Overall it’s a difficult conversation to have with anyone, even those closest to us. Often this is just easier:

The handful of people we have shared with have been absolutely incredible. Offering words of encouragement, sharing stories, giving a hug when needed or just being there to listen. Without these friends and family I don’t know what I would have done. The hours of discussions, the sharing of tears and joys, lunch or distraction outings and emails have meant the world to me. I would have been lost without those. I don’t know how to ever thank everyone enough. I hope I can be as good of a friend to them as they are to me.

To my friends and family that are reading this for the first time and learning about our journey, I’m really sorry we didn’t share earlier. Part of it is embarrassment and part was I just didn’t know how to bring it up. One of the biggest reasons is that I just want to keep a sense of normalcy in my life. When everything else was crazy and felt like it was upside down, I just wanted to go out for coffee and not worry about breaking into tears in the middle of the coffee shop. I just wanted to hear the latest gossip, bitch about work, and hear all about your family without wondering if you are holding back because you don’t want to make me upset. It was selfish and I’m sorry I didn’t share earlier… I hope you can forgive me for that.

Miscarriage and Misoprostol

I never thought I would be happy to hear the doctor say “the scans show your uterus is empty.”  However a month after learning the devastating news about my miscarriage I just want this process to be over…

Late June my husband and I went happily in to our fertility clinic waiting for the chance to see that tiny heartbeat on the screen again. However the appointment ended in our worst nightmare. Our baby had not made it – I had a ‘missed miscarriage.’   We had no idea as I had no symptoms. I guess that’s why they call it ‘missed’.

The doctor gave us 3 choices that morning – to have a D&C, to take misoprostol (pills that are supposed to open your cervix and help you expel everything that’s in there) or just wait things out and hope they happen naturally.  After being shocked and sadden with the news we just couldn’t make a decision. My brain and heart wouldn’t let me believe it was true. He finally gave us the option to come back tomorrow so they could do the ultrasound one more time to help us come to terms with the truth. We walked out of the office in a daze and lots of tears.

The next day the ultrasound confirmed what we learned the day before. At the recommendation of the doctor we left there with a prescription for misoprostol and pain meds.

I didn’t end up taking the misoprostol for 6 days. We had a trip to Chicago planned and after much deliberation we thought we should still go. I remember thinking that I could cry just as easily in a different City as I could at home so what was it going to hurt?

(Warning the next little bit might be TMI for some but thought I’d share because throughout this process I kept wondering “is this normal; Am I normal?”)

The first dose of misoprostol didn’t work. I only had mild cramps and a few hours of bleeding. 2 days later when I called the doctor’s office they told me to take the second dose. The second dose was a different experience – way more pain and bleeding for over a week. Two weeks later I had to go in for blood work and yet another ultrasound. I went in thinking all would be fine and I was ready for the doctor with my list of questions about what comes next.  When the doctor finally came in to the room he had ultrasound pictures in his hand and I just knew immediately that something was up.

From the beginning I was worried and didn’t want to have a D&C. I was mostly concerned with the lasting effects from it and what it would do to potentially hinder or harm a future pregnancy.

That morning he let me know that there was still fluid and some tissue left and I would have to take the misoprostol once again. By that point I was so frustrated with the process and with my body I just broke down in tears. Why wasn’t this working, why wouldn’t my body just let go, why me??

At the order of the doctor I took the 3^rd dose of misoprostol that night. A few hours after taking the pills I woke up with extreme pain and with a fever. I was alone as my husband was away on a business trip. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just lied as still as I could a wished away the pain. It was a long 8 hours.

A few days later I felt pretty well back to normal. However 5 days after taking the 3^rd dose I had lots of pain and severe cramping. I was pretty scared as I wasn’t sure why it was happening so long after taking the dose. It turned out that apparently I was losing the rest of what was in me including some tissue the size of 2 of my fingers put together. Thankfully the pain eased almost right away after that.

I just had another ultrasound (really how many can I have with this stupid process) which showed an empty uterus. My HCG level is still 108. I’m not sure if that’s normal or not? Need to go back for more blood work in 2 weeks to ensure HCG levels are negative.

So basically all the physical ramifications have now passed (or almost… come on HCG levels) it’s just dealing with the emotional part. I wish you could just take a pill and empty your brain and heart of that pain too.  I know more time will help heal and I keep telling myself there will be bright days ahead.

Our journey so far

Early on in our relationship my husband and I talked about our hopes and dreams for the future and children were always a part of that conversation. We married in September of 2012 and started our TTC (trying to conceive) journey from that point on. After a year of trying with no success we sought out the advice and guidance of a fertility specialist.

After a myriad of tests our doctor recommended that we do IVF. Hearing those words were scary and overwhelming but also gave me an immense sense of hope. From the beginning I thought that this process would be the end game to our hopes and dreams.

In February of 2014 we did our first (and only) IUI. We didn’t enter this process with much hope as our doctor let us know our odds weren’t great. We decided to go ahead with it anyway for a couple of reasons – you just never know what could happen and it was a good opportunity for the doctor to see how my body would respond to the fertility drugs. Self-administering the drugs was one of my biggest challenges. I’m not a fan of needles by any stretch of the imagination… I could easily say I have a pretty big fear of them. Sweaty palms, feeling light headed, and very jittery were typical symptoms for me knowing I had to get a needle. The last time I gave blood I actually passed out. So here I was faced with the fact that I was going to not just get a needle but give it to myself! I remember talking to a friend about it and being on the verge of tears, I just really didn’t know how I was going to get it done. Now, over 100 needles later I can look back on that day with some humour. My fear of needles is far from gone but I am much better!

Unfortunately the IUI didn’t work.

No problem we say, on to the IVF. The time commitments for appointments, arranging my schedule to ensure I was home in time to give myself 3 different needles a day and the emotional roller-coaster was more demanding than I imagined. I still thought, “no problem!”, needles – bring them at me, rescheduling – a breeze, giving up sports – why not, side of effects of drugs – I can handle it all. But then the IVF didn’t work. We were incredibly sad and disappointed. I knew deep down that there was always a chance that it wouldn’t work but I believed it would, everything with the process until that point went so well so I convinced myself this would to.

After the attempt failed, we took a small break from treatments. I really needed to get over the sadness and by that point anger.  I was angry at myself, at the clinic, and at the process. It was a huge reality shocker that took me a little bit to come to terms with.

In May 2014 we transferred 2 frozen embryos and the long 2 week wait commenced. I made it until 12 days past my transfer date to take a home pregnancy test. The test came back positive!!! I could hardly believe it. The immense sense of happiness and awe was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It was a long wait for my husband to get home! In those 5 hours I don’t think I could stay still for more than 5 minutes. 2 days later my blood work confirmed what that little pee stick said – we were having a baby!! We were overwhelmed with joy! My thoughts never drifted far from the baby and it took all my effort not to run up and down the streets announcing our news. It was the happiest time of my life.

When I was 6 weeks I noticed the tiniest bit of spotting. I called the clinic right away and they had us come in for an early ultrasound. That morning felt like the longest wait. Our fears were quickly erased when the ultrasound technician turned the screen so we could see the tiny heartbeat. We were told everything looked great and the baby was progressing exactly how it should. We shared tears of relief and happiness that morning.

At week 7 we went in for our regularly scheduled ultrasound. This day turned out to be what felt like the worst day of my life. The ultrasound was taking a bit longer than normal and the technician was asking a lot of questions. When she went to get another technician to come in my stomach dropped. My husband looked at me and said “I don’t have a good feeling about this.” I tried to stay positive and hope for the best. After the ultrasound we were ushered into one of the meeting/exam rooms. The doctor came in and broke the news to us. The baby had stopped growing almost a week earlier and they couldn’t find a heartbeat.  I had a ‘missed miscarriage’. We were devastated. The news was just too much to accept. We didn’t know what to do with the options he presented us so we went home in what felt like a blur. We just sat on the couch and cried for most of the day and night. I’ll share more of my experience with the miscarriage in a future post.

The devastation and heartbreak is far from gone. I don’t go more than 10 minutes without thinking about it. The tears have slowed but are never far from the surface. Some days I feel like I can’t go on with this journey because I can’t handle another heartbreak and other days I am hopeful that our story will have a happy ending. For now, we are just taking it one day at a time while we figure out our next step.