I never thought I would be happy to hear the doctor say “the scans show your uterus is empty.” However a month after learning the devastating news about my miscarriage I just want this process to be over…
Late June my husband and I went happily in to our fertility clinic waiting for the chance to see that tiny heartbeat on the screen again. However the appointment ended in our worst nightmare. Our baby had not made it – I had a ‘missed miscarriage.’ We had no idea as I had no symptoms. I guess that’s why they call it ‘missed’.
The doctor gave us 3 choices that morning – to have a D&C, to take misoprostol (pills that are supposed to open your cervix and help you expel everything that’s in there) or just wait things out and hope they happen naturally. After being shocked and sadden with the news we just couldn’t make a decision. My brain and heart wouldn’t let me believe it was true. He finally gave us the option to come back tomorrow so they could do the ultrasound one more time to help us come to terms with the truth. We walked out of the office in a daze and lots of tears.
The next day the ultrasound confirmed what we learned the day before. At the recommendation of the doctor we left there with a prescription for misoprostol and pain meds.
I didn’t end up taking the misoprostol for 6 days. We had a trip to Chicago planned and after much deliberation we thought we should still go. I remember thinking that I could cry just as easily in a different City as I could at home so what was it going to hurt?
(Warning the next little bit might be TMI for some but thought I’d share because throughout this process I kept wondering “is this normal; Am I normal?”)
The first dose of misoprostol didn’t work. I only had mild cramps and a few hours of bleeding. 2 days later when I called the doctor’s office they told me to take the second dose. The second dose was a different experience – way more pain and bleeding for over a week. Two weeks later I had to go in for blood work and yet another ultrasound. I went in thinking all would be fine and I was ready for the doctor with my list of questions about what comes next. When the doctor finally came in to the room he had ultrasound pictures in his hand and I just knew immediately that something was up.
From the beginning I was worried and didn’t want to have a D&C. I was mostly concerned with the lasting effects from it and what it would do to potentially hinder or harm a future pregnancy.
That morning he let me know that there was still fluid and some tissue left and I would have to take the misoprostol once again. By that point I was so frustrated with the process and with my body I just broke down in tears. Why wasn’t this working, why wouldn’t my body just let go, why me??
At the order of the doctor I took the 3rd dose of misoprostol that night. A few hours after taking the pills I woke up with extreme pain and with a fever. I was alone as my husband was away on a business trip. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just lied as still as I could a wished away the pain. It was a long 8 hours.
A few days later I felt pretty well back to normal. However 5 days after taking the 3rd dose I had lots of pain and severe cramping. I was pretty scared as I wasn’t sure why it was happening so long after taking the dose. It turned out that apparently I was losing the rest of what was in me including some tissue the size of 2 of my fingers put together. Thankfully the pain eased almost right away after that.
I just had another ultrasound (really how many can I have with this stupid process) which showed an empty uterus. My HCG level is still 108. I’m not sure if that’s normal or not? Need to go back for more blood work in 2 weeks to ensure HCG levels are negative.
So basically all the physical ramifications have now passed (or almost… come on HCG levels) it’s just dealing with the emotional part. I wish you could just take a pill and empty your brain and heart of that pain too. I know more time will help heal and I keep telling myself there will be bright days ahead.
Our Journey With The Lost Stork 